A Peaceful Disclosure – I Am Gay

I have read many stories of people who have “come out again” or accepted they are gay after some time in the ex-gay world. Many of their stories are compelling and well-written. But, sometimes I wish they would get to the point right off the bat. Just say it and then tell the story. So that is what I am going to do: I am gay.

Now take a deep breath (talking to myself here), and here is more of the story for those interested.

What Led To This Post?

The past six or so years have presented an opportunity to question my beliefs and evaluate my experiences without an idealized agenda. Then in 2011, as a result of all the turmoil that erupted at Exodus International (my former employer from 2002 to 2013), I began to dig deep and ask hard questions. Who am I? What do I make of my journey to date? How does God view me, my state of being? I questioned/pondered/re-examined all this and more again. Then in January of 2013, a man named Michael, someone I dated for a little while 24 years ago committed suicide. We remained good friends up until his death. His death was shocking and I still mourn his passing. Michael had several difficult issues contributing to his suicide, and I know he also struggled with his faith and sexuality. His death shook me to my core and made all the questions I had been asking even more stark, consequential, and pressing. After being laid off from Exodus International (as a part of closing it down) in August of 2013, I began to have the personal space to think things through without distraction or filters.

Parallel to all this was a deepening and expanded understanding of God’s grace. These factors get more specific and complicated, but I think that the above describes the gist of how I began to come to the conclusions that I present in this post. I could have written this post last summer but was discouraged by some feedback I received. Regardless, I needed to pray and think it through a little while longer. Now is the time to do this. There is more about my motivations later in this post, too.

The Spectrum Of Sexuality

To be honest and accurate, I would have to say that I am gay with some level of bisexual tendencies. The truth is, that my primary sexual attraction is toward men. It is also true that to date the love of my life has been a woman. I was attracted to her in every way. Many people won’t believe me but what I just shared is true. I would be lying by omission if I didn’t share that side of myself. For me, developing strong sexual attractions is driven by emotional attachment more than anything else. My relational history has shown that I can indeed have attractions to either gender if the emotional attachment is there.

If that is confusing to you… welcome to my world.

Motivation, History/Post-Exodus

Some snapshots of my history, at the age of 10 I was “out” to myself, I came out to friends at 16 and out to everyone as a gay man at 19. At 19, I paid a heavy price for coming out. I was as liberal a Democrat as one could be too. Then I became a Christian and moved toward being an ex-gay poster boy (the last Executive Vice President of Exodus International). At one point I was featured in a full-page ad in the Los Angeles Times and featured in a book by Watergate figure Charles Colson called The Good Life. For about five years of my time working for Exodus (2003 to 2008), I was a political activist on the religious right as well. I was vocal and open about my beliefs that I no longer identified as gay while in Exodus circles for 23 years.

I shared the preceding paragraph to illustrate that it is in my nature to champion my personal beliefs. I’ve always believed what I have declared publicly to be true. Yes, those beliefs have been all over the map in 46 years but I have always been a true believer in whatever I was professing.

Four or five times, in offline social settings, over the past five months I was asked if I was gay. Each time I answered, without hesitation, “I am bi-sexual with a propensity toward dudes.” That brought smiles each time and I was told that if I was bi, gay, … whatever, they wanted me to know they accepted me. But, this is the first time in my life where I felt there were inconsistencies between what was happening in some circles as opposed to others. I started seeing the potential of a fragmented life developing and I *never* want that. There is nothing more tortured than feeling like you can’t be consistently you wherever you are. These recent offline disclosures were leading to an issue of conscience for me. As I was thinking through and writing this post it became clear that it is most accurate to say that I am gay with a bisexual propensity that I can’t adequately describe :).

Whether anyone cares, pays attention, approves, disapproves, friends or unfriends me isn’t the point. The point is that I need to stay true to how I am wired, be honest, and consistent with what I believe to be true in this regard. Writing this post is something I need to do as a part of taking personal responsibility for my past journey and being honest in my present reality.

Faith

My love for Jesus and His finished work on the Cross is unwavering, and stronger than ever. I am as saved today as I was the moment I believed in, and received Him as my Lord and Savior. He rose from the dead to open the door to reconciliation with God and eternal Life. I’ve already walked through that door. He is in my heart. None of that changes regardless of my sexuality or my all-to-human musings. It doesn’t change because it’s all on Him and He never changes. He loves me, I know it. He loves you, is not angry with you, and I hope you know that truth.

Dating

Currently I am not dating. I have not been dating. I have not had a sexual partner in 24 years. I am in no hurry to change that reality. Plus, I have no doubt I would probably be a weird date ::: grin ::: I mean seriously, how do you explain all … this? Being single has been a life-giving state of being for me and my place in community. I am content. Today as a single gay man, I am relationally whole, and at peace. There is love in my life; God, friends, family, work … I’m in a good place.

About The Future…

One thing I definitely have learned is to stop declaring what tomorrow will be like or what the future will bring. Could I see myself with a man? Yes. Could I see myself with a woman? Yes. Could I see myself being celibate for the rest of my life? Yes. Today has its own troubles and I am not worrying about tomorrow. I rest in God’s grace and trust Him to be the Good Shepherd He has proven, over and over, to be.  Whatever happens, loving Jesus is at the core of who I am. Regardless of any relationship I have or will have, abiding in Christ will always be my “Home.”

Even though I have issued two apologies to the gay community (here and here) and found my first sense of identity and community as a gay youth/young man, I am not sure many will accept my apologies or this disclosure. I would definitely understand some people’s reluctance given my history. That said, while I care about what others think, I am doing this because I feel it is the right thing to do.

I am gay. I am ok with who I am. I hope we can continue to journey together.

246 thoughts on “A Peaceful Disclosure – I Am Gay”

  1. I followed your blog for a while after the closing of Exodus and the launch of Speak.Love, and I liked how you were approaching things. Hadn’t visited in a while, but now that this has been making the rounds, I wanted to show my support! I’m glad you are happy with where you are at, and happy with Christ! Much love.

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  4. Randy Thomas’ ignominious career should not be forgotten, nor should his reemergence from the closet be minimized or downplayed.

    The lesson of Thomas’ coming out is clear: If a man as steeped in vituperative political rhetoric and vile “ex-gay” ideology can come out of the closet, then anyone can. While at first blush this outing doesn’t seem like a very big deal, it actually is A VERY BIG DEAL.

    http://www.truthwinsout.org/opinion/2015/01/40517/

  5. Hi Randy! I read about you on a news website and then came to your site to read your story for myself. I am thankful that you have decided to share your story. I think it’s so important to let others read your testimony. I struggled for many years, in and out of Exodus, Living Waters, etc. and finally came out about 13 years ago. I have been married to my partner of 13 years for 2 years now and walking with God again for the past year and a half. I thank God every single day that He is in my life again and that I can be the person he created me to be. The space I live in can be tense at times: faith and sexuality at a crossroads. However, I am learning that faith is also being sure of what you cannot see and what you cannot fully understand. I trust in the Lord with all of my heart. Bless you!

  6. Staying true to how you’re wired is great. I only wish so many others would have been given that basic human right during the operating years of Exodus. I personally know dozens who are no longer alive to hear an apology, in the unlikely event any were offered. My happiness for you is severely drowned by my mourning for too many others.

    1. Gary Stephenson Atlas More

      I wrote nearly the same thing earlier however my comment was erased I truely hope yours stays I lost a close friend to suicide after we attended reasignment therapy. I will not forget what he has done, I wish him no harm the only harm I wish upon anyone is to the relgions that hate us. I have since becme an atheist and would like nothing more than to see the end of religion.
      I use the handle on my emails of Atlas More because after this bad period in my life at last there is more.

  7. Randy, I struggle just like you and every other man or woman does with same sex desires and wishing it away.

    I don’t believe the Bible teaches one sin is any greater than the other, outside disbelief in God. The key to our sinful nature/desires is how we choose to live it out. Do we live unto ourselves despite what pleases God or do we take on the struggles of this temporary life and deny ourselves for His sake? Homosexuality being a sin can be said for every other sin in the world…one no greater than the other and we all have the choice to either deny ourselves or live in it.

    What Is “coming out” saying to the world? Is it saying, I am what I am and have decided to live in the sin I was born in despite what God has to say about it? Wonderful as it would be, there’s just no way to dispute scripture and genuinely believe it’s “OK to be gay” and enjoy a peaceful relationship with God…or is it?

    “I was born this way” remains the age old justified statement within the gay community. Years of trying to understand the why’s, I’ve concluded, it’s not the works of a Holy God anymore than it is Him creating people with deformities, alcoholic genes, etc….it’s all boils down to our sinful nature derived from the sin of Adam.

    Based on my own experience, firmly believe that when a person denies themselves with a heart to please God, He not only blesses in ways never dreamed possible and will either heal the desires or help the struggle within bearable. He doesn’t allow a move toward Him go unnoticed. Having His favor far outweighs any self satisfaction found in this temporary world. No doubt…the Christian life is not for the weak and as followers of Christ…this world is not our Home.

    Anyway, I’ve known you from LH days and have grown to love you as a brother. I just felt like you were swaying in a direction that will do more harm than good…unless I’ve totally misunderstood your current stance in the article.

    Hope you take what I’ve said from a loving heart. Whatever you decide for yourself, I love you and wish you the best.

    Always,
    Mark

    1. Mark, you really, honestly believe that every other man and woman on earth “struggles” with “same sex desires”? So all those love songs and movies and books, and all the people falling in love and getting married, and all the high school sweethearts — all of that is just because we all feel attracted to people of our own sex, but *most* people are so stoic and strong and put a brave face on it and go out and marry someone of the opposite sex, holding their noses and lying back and thinking of the Queen? Oh my. I’m not sure you’ve thought this all the way through, dear.

      1. Lorian, I was responding to Randy’s article meaning allot, (not all) men and women that “have”same sex desires, wished they didn’t. Men and women that don’t have this struggle, have struggles of their own. Hope this makes better sense.

    2. A book that is open to interpretation, is read differently by everyone, and which has been used to condemn others or as a tool to decide who is deserving and who is not, is not a book that requires my attention. “Because the bible says” is the most ludicrous argument for any discussion. When scientists disagree with each other, they have an experiment and reach a conclusion. When theologians disagree, there is violence. Being gay is not something that should be a struggle to survive. But the hatred and condemnation spread through your book has killed countless young men and women, many by their own hand. Because they were TAUGHT to believe they were defective, and not embraced for being born different. I was a man of great faith. Now I’m a man of great wisdom, and I pity those who are so weak as to require a book to shield them from reality, self acceptance, and true happiness on this earth, rather than a vague promise of some later redemption gifted by hurting others in the name of a so-called loving God. The bible means something different to everyone. It’s read differently by everyone. That makes it open to corruption. Corruption has no place in my life.

  8. Randy, we have no past…I’ve not communicated with you before, but I have communicated with many who have found themselves in your shoes or bounced back and forth between gay and exgay. I have many friends who have been the “posterchild de jour” for gay groups and exgay groups. My advice is the same, whether going gay or exgay. Take time off. Don’t be anyones posterchild, on either side. Take 3 to 6 months minimally to not be public. Take that time to journal privately and discover You, not who you think you should be for others.

    You will come out mentally healthier and grounded, and more sure about who you are and what you want out of life.

    Being in the “spotlight” can mess up ones true authenticity and awareness. Being alone with yourself and God can prove to be life-changing. I believe you will be so much more healthy for taking the time.

    The LGBT community win no awards for you coming out gay, just as exgay groups win no awards for you being exgay. Win friends, lose friends will be inevitable, expect it…be thankful and appreciate all that do not walk away, for they were truly friends.

    Most of all….spend time with the Lord…your maker. Allow Him to bring answers and peace to the places inside that yet are uncertain or unhealed.

    God bless you in the process…
    Todd Ferrell, President
    The Evangelical Network

    1. Hey there Todd – in the past few days since reading Randy’s post, the wisdom of your advice has come to mind more & more. I think it’s important to have breathing room and not be in the glaring eye of the public – social media or what have you.

      I’m a PT / EMT and have often worked at the finish line of races. Many times family and friends who have cheered along their loved one for months and on the day of the event for hours are so excited to see their guy / girl cross the finish line that they run up and smother them…. They mean well, but most often that person is exhausted and could just use a few min. to gather themselves before they can take anything else in.

      That’s the illustration that has kept coming to mind. Especially in our society’s Age of the Immediate, we often forget that we’re talking to actual people, and that giving someone room to breathe is showing respect, kindness, and love. I don’t know Randy very well, but I know him a little bit, and he’s not a poster boy either way for me – he’s a well-rounded, gifted, funny, thoughtful and interesting person.

      Thank you for your eloquent letter – regardless of how Randy may take it (which I don’t doubt would be kindly), it was a good reminder for me to not contribute to the smothering, and not to put people onto posters, but instead contribute to lifting up life (in prayer, friendship, etc.)

      Dee

      1. Thanks Dee – my comment in no way is anything but meant to encourage Randy that taking time to heal and find himself is of utmost importance – more than speaking out, responding to pro/con comments. Just as your “end of race” analogy – taking time to gather yourself is just vital.

      2. Right on. (PS – I didn’t complete my thought in the first paragraph. The second sentence should read: “…or what have you, when dealing with transitions in life.” But, I’m sure you and others caught my drift.)
        Giving oneself space and spending time with the Maker of our souls is a great gift. Thanks again for writing this.

    2. Thanks Todd for your advice and perspective. We are on the same page and I am grateful for the peace that comes through your comment. I have felt some pressure to join various groups/efforts and I have quietly (to myself) made the determination that I can’t even think about that stuff right now. Definitely taking time to chill out and pray/think through all of this.

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  10. Well good for you. I know that this was not an easy thing to do nor something to take lightly. After having worked at Desert Stream for a few years and been in the ex-gay world for a little over 20 I know the dilemma well. For me it was being in a relationship with a very good woman and knowing I could not love her in the way she needed or desired to be loved was my wake up call. Sure there are the ups and downs but I know sit with a man who loves and cares for me deeply (and vice versa) and so glad I did come out (again). The real issue is letting go of the past and sadly many friends but in all honesty you become a better and more humane man not only for yourself but for the world at large. Welcome, and now go have the life you never thought possible for yourself.

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  12. I am sorry, but if you had made this blog post BEFORE Exodus closed, I might feel differently. As it stands now, it seems like the gravy train ran out and now you have no reason to go on with the lies you fostered to keep that money rolling in.
    You own a LOT of people a LOT more than an apology.
    May God be with you and may you find the forgiveness that you crave. I just cannot be one of the people to give that to you at this point. Perhaps one day I will be able to, but that is my problem not yours. Until then, I would recommend that you funnel as much of yourself into telling the world that God loves the LGBT community as they are. Maybe if you say it enough times, to enough people, you CAN undo some of the damage you have done in the name of God.

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  16. Elizabeth Putnam

    I am wondering have you ever looked at homoflexible? It means you generally are in love with the same sex but at times can love the opposite sex.

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  18. Randy,
    Please don’t do this. The Bible hasn’t changed. God hasn’t changed. The only thing that has changed is the culture and please don’t listen to it.
    I have sat in classes you taught and you have spoken against the very thing you now are saying is ok. I have heard you say you wouldn’t even accept the “exgay” label and now you’re taking on the “gay” label.
    You know in your heart of hearts what is true. Please don’t give in.

  19. Concerrned Christian

    Randy
    I have an idea on how you feel. I attended ex gay groups and saw myself as ex gay. Yet all that changed when I left the ex gay group and then stated I am gay. I found it liberating seeing myself as a gay man. I saw it true freedom at that time.

    Yet now I see that homosexual acts are a sin. No matter the world is becoming more acceptable of homosexuality and more and more people see the Bible as irreverent, God has the final say on that subject.

    I no longer see myself as gay, ex gay but Christian. I choose to be obedient and even that means denying to act out on my fleshy desires:

    Matthew 16:24
    Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.

    I pray for you.

  20. Hi Randy,

    I don’t think you owe anybody anything. You and everyone you worked with was in the same mindset to hear what they needed to hear at the time and make their own decisions accordingly. We all have to in the end, take responsibility for our beliefs and actions. Some are slower than others. Noone outside of ourselves can take responsibility for how others will react, to anything. Cheers to your journey out of confusion. You deserve s medal.

  21. Randy thanks for sharing. I have been through a similar situation as you. The other day as I was walking down the street this thought came to my mind, “God did not save me to make me straight, but to be conform to me to the imagine of Jesus Christ”. I too have a attraction to both men and woman. I use to receive newsletters from “Love In Action, Exdous International, Desert Stream and Life Ministry over the past 30 years. But something stuck with me, one of the leaders told me straight up that the attractions would be with for the rest of my life. I admitted I did not want to hear that at the time, I was hoping God to make me 100% straight. But that was so that I would be “accepted” in the church and straight community. Those words kept me sane and in the Love of Christ. I am happy for God grace that abounds to me just as I am.

    Paul

  22. Don’t you get it? Its not about you; its not about how you label yourself or how anybody else labels you: What box you fit in, because its not about you. It’s about what is acceptable before the eyes of God. If you could blow away the entire universe with one breathe, its about you facing only God alone; nothing else in view or existence.

    1. But from your response, I would guess it’s all about YOU? About your idea of how Randy should live? Your understanding of God, and what God requires of Randy?

      If Randy is to face God alone, then it’s not about YOU, is it? Let him do it…with his understanding of who he is and his understanding of God and what God requires of him. We are not the one who convicts of sin and we are not the conscience of another.

      God bless you, Randy.
      I love you.

      1. I don’t want to sound rude, but why don’t you let Randy speak for himself, Mr. Pritchett?

      2. I believe Randy DID speak for himself; this blog is his story and his experience. I wasn’t addressing him at all, in case you missed it.

  23. oh for God’s sake dude. Be a man and a true friend and stop playing this cat and mouse game with me. Homosexuality is sin. Run from it like the plague.

  24. Yes, you sound like a GREAT friend. Such compassion, such empathy, such support. Can’t imagine what anyone would avoid responding to your taunting demands for an answer. Everyone needs “true” friends like you!

    (Oh, and just for fun, I challenge you to show us one verse that says homosexuality is a sin. Just one. But it has to use both of those words, otherwise, it’s just your interpretation. Ready, set…go.)

    1. And I challenge you to show me one verse that speaks of “husband and husband.” I can give many that speak of “husband and wife.”

      1. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s an incorrect answer. The category was “homosexuality and sin,” not marriage. Thanks so much for playing. Please accept our consolation prize as you exit.

  25. First of all, you need to stop playing the “poor me” victim routine. Secondly, I have no intention of quoting bible verses at you, since you already know the truth. Thirdly, I still can’t understand why you insist on talking for Randy, unless its because deep down you want somebody to challenge your current belief and stand on the issue. Yes, I think that is it. Ok, well let me lay it out to you: If you sow to your flesh, you shall die. Tough love, dude. Are you gonna rise to the occasion?

    1. I have NO IDEA where you think I’m playing the “poor me” victim card. That’s just more of your baiting statements. I am highly amused that from that false premise, you think you can summarize my motives as wanting “somebody to challenge” my “current belief and stand on the issue.” You couldn’t be more wrong. I am merely responding to some of your bully tactics with my friend. And because you appeal to the Bible, I’m merely asking you for “proof” to back up your statements…which you still have not provided. (Because you can’t. The verses are not there!) I have spent 45+ studying and teaching the Bible, so I don’t think what you share will come as a surprise to me. But because I have such high regard Scripture, I won’t be silent while you twist verses to make them only say what YOU think they can say and mean. Disagreement doesn’t make one of us right and the other wrong, it merely makes us…different. It’s why we have Baptists, and Methodists, and Pentecostals, and Catholics.

      As to speaking for Randy, again, you are reading into my comments. I never spoke for him; I spoke TO you. I never said “Randy thinks,” or “Randy believes.” I spoke FOR myself…TO you. It’s called a discussion. Interaction. A conversation. A dialogue. Not as comfortable as a one-sided diatribe, but it has the potential of being more productive when people talk TO one another.

      And as to “rising to the occasion” of your Bible verse challenge, there is none. The verse you quoted no more condemns homosexuality than it does heterosexuality. It not about the desires that are inherent within us, but what we do with that desire. A heterosexual has a sexual desire for a person of different sex, but if they commit adultery, that is “sowing to the flesh.” Hunger is part of our flesh, but gluttony would be “sowing to the flesh.” According to the Bible “sins of the flesh” would also include “strife” and “jealousy” and “rivalries” and “enmity.” You could give some thought to those, I think.

      Finally…”dude,” your definition of “tough love” is little more than personal rants with cut-and-pasted Bible verses. You don’t know me, but you have made value judgments about me. That’s not love. You seek to impose your beliefs and your opinions on others, without the humble chance you could be wrong…or that others could just understand it or experience it differently. That’s not love. You are judge and jury of those who disagree with you, a role not granted to you by the One who actually does love us.

      1. Bill, you need to quit working.yourself up into such a dither. Relax and not take life.and yourself so seriously. Good grief. Now do what Stuart Smalley did, “go look at yourself in the mirror and.say I’m good.enough, I’m smart enough and doggonit, people like me!”

      2. Pardon the pun, but this is a FRUITLESS conversation, You are little more than a troll, resorting to insults, innuendos, deflection and exaggerations to “win” your point. Rather than answer direct questions, you seek to dismiss, diminish and demean the other person. Apparently you are the only one who is allowed to have a serious point, and anyone who disagrees with you is taking themselves too seriously.
        I wish you all the best.

        I love you, Randy.
        Hope to see you again soon.

      3. Love you too Bill. I am sure we will meet up again. Thank you for your engaging d jones.

  26. I’m going to backtrack a little and say, in a way, you were sucked into a movement rife with inherent problems. Real leadership or fathership in the church has been sorely lacking. It wasn’t readily available to you when younger, neither to me. Discipleship would be the better word. Christian ministry here in America mirrors the business world: The bigger, more visibility, and every other metric makes it bonafide, and proof of its legitimacy. Nothing can be farther from the truth. So many people get swooped up in the whirlwind.
    So called “experts” in the mental health field can often be ignorant when it comes to practical application. I think and hope that the pendulum swing in your life will balance out – your views on the issue, and you will come back to what you originally knew was the truth. It can happen. As the saying goes, “it ain’t over til the fat lady sings”. So I hope righteous people out there are praying because we are promised that.it “avails, accomplishes much”.

  27. Bill, this may come as a surprise, but you actually have made something a little clearer to me. The road of discipleship is truly a very narrow one. And truly, very few are those who find it. I’ve often questioned, argued with God, why is it so difficult for a gay person to get out of the gay life? His answers are always so clearcut

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  29. You can call yourself what you like, but if you lie with another man, as with a woman, you are sinning, defiling your own body. Which, by the way, no longer belongs to you. It has been united with Christ. Do you really want to unite yourself with another man, in an act that defiled your own body?

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  33. I remember reading your testimony during exodus year Randy, after a very long journey of struggle to accept myself as a gay christian. I questioned God, if those people from the ex-gay ministries could become straight? why couldn’t I? did they really become straight? what did i do wrong? Eventually, John smid, john paulk & etc that once were very popular as the poster boys from the ex-gay ministry came out as gay in the ex-gay world. That really compelled me to revisit and reconcile my faith and sexuality. I really appreciate your honesty and openness regarding your journey. I’m glad that you speak up now and speak out against people who now still say the same things you once did.

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  37. Francisca I. Marchant

    Thank you Randy for your honest heart. As I am currently in a workshop called coming out I too deal with my bisexuality as the beautiful gift it is. Your disclosure makes me cry tears of happiness as it encourages me to press forward into the fullness of me.

    God bless you, as he/she has just blessed me by reading your post.

    1. Hello Francisca! It’s so good to see you after all this time! Thank you for the encouragement and so glad you are pursuing authenticity. God bless you, too.

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