Tuning Out Noise To Find A Positive Frequency

Over the years, too many years to comfortably confess, I will watch videos or read posts of long-time exgay leaders giving voice to religious stigma in all sectors. These are people I had known for a very long time. As a result of doing this, I get energized. The problem is it is negative energy. It’s destructive, not constructive or even instructive. I hate to admit this, but the scenario of reading/watching them for no good reason only to get upset is like a bad habit that needs to be broken… again.

I keep asking myself why in the world I do that. Why is it that from time to time, I want to hear what they are saying? Am I a glutton for punishment? … or trauma seeking to be re-traumatized? Could watching them be a sneaky expression of pride for not being like “that” anymore? Is it some twisted entertainment, the Jerry Springer, or Real Housewives’ “train wreck” effect? Neural pathways seared into my brain from being part of my job description while working at Exodus? Gossip gathering?

Probably a mix of all the above and more. Regardless, none of it is healthy. Therefore, it must and will stop today.

I have no legitimate reason for keeping up with what they are regularly saying, to be distracted by the echoes from my past. I know what they will say because I helped craft the language (or listened to them) for a few decades. The topics they cover, the retorts, the denial, the subjective lay-person analysis presented as expertise, the stories, and sometimes the smart-ass snark is all the same as before; nothing new. Nothing new to me, at least.

It’s time to block, disconnect, filter, and refocus. Time to completely stop feeding the negative energy, receiving the negative energy, and not be distracted from what is genuinely life-giving and beautiful.

Like The WonderDan, my family, and all of you 🙂

This odd relic of a habit only stymies the path forward. What is healthy and authentic is where my focus will reside. Positive energy for positive energy. The only reason to look back is to take what was destructive and utilize it for constructive or instructive purposes. Or to carefully confront in a way that will undermine abuse and seek to change hearts and minds.

Can you relate?

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