This “core value” journey has been like dealing with ceiling popcorn; what was once seen as a good idea is now fake, hard to scrape off, and fights back
Over the course of the Summer, I have had one catalytic experience over and over… and over again.
It started when I went back into counseling and we identified that my only sense of “core value” was in what I could do or provide for others. Which of course is also looking for others to approve or be grateful of what I can provide for them.
Having a core sense of value means I value myself just because I am me; that I am worthy of love, dignity, and respect simply because I exist. I am valuable because I was born to be the treasure, and completion, I seek.
Notice all the personal pronouns? I am trying to share my journey, not be some sort of horse-sh*t fake life coach passing along the fast food version of life-advice.
OH yeah, I was going to write about the repeated catalyst that has helped me to start seeing what all this means. That catalyst culminated in a very vivid dream not too long ago…
I dreamt about standing outside of a tomb (like what they portray were used back in the Bible days) where a body wrapped in burial clothes was waiting to be sealed in. It was a young adult. I spoke aloud a prayer to the Mother and Father (actually saw them together) to help this soul crossover from this realm to ours. Then three lights shaped in a pyramid came down and rested on me and I woke up.
I KNOW! Kind of trippy but I promise I was not micro-dosing anything…lol.
Now this is the real trip in the trippy. I woke up knowing exactly what it meant. I was insecure at first about it but over the course of the summer every relationship, every spiritual search all confirmed my interpretation:
The dead person was the version of me I developed in my early adult life that had helped keep me alive but was in itself had become a hindrance to my core value.
That the Mother and Father are actually my energy(energies). I have been told in pretty profound ways (my journals, counselor, and even a psychic) that my masculine and feminine energies are perfectly balanced. I have never doubted or been unaware of that in my life. Not sure how or why but that is at my core and something I have always sensed as true.
And of course the version of me praying is the one that has emerged from the tomb with acceptance that I am no longer the version of me I need and have evolved into something more true and powerful
The three lights were a blessing to say all this is true and divinely blessed.
I was praying to me to help me let go of an older version of me. ← that cracks me up… you have no idea how blasphemous that would sound to evangelical “exgay” Randy. Now it’s just a statement of fact.
I am Divine. So are you! We are all sparks of the Divine.
As a result of this turn I have just “known” what to focus on, rest and be nurtured in and let go. My artisitic efforts are gaining speed, I am reading actual books again, I’m cutting out a LOT of noise (news sources and online shenanigans. And sleeping a heckuva lot better.
Part of this transition (resurrection?) is this Substack. Instead of following a play book of writing schedules about topics I think others would be interested in or benefit from. I am going to use this Substack to do whatever I want to do with it. Like…
Probably feature a lot more about my art
I want to write some book/movie/music reviews. Especially ones with great symbolism.
Dream/symbolism Interpretation(s)
Whatever strikes my fancy
This time around I am not excited to create a “plan” wrapped around providing content others might want and that I am good at. It’s a peaceful acceptance that I can just focus on whatever is on my heart. If others benefit, great. But I am doing this for my benefit.
So this Substack is about to look, feel and read different 🙂
Thoughts? Please respond to the email that subscribers get with this post or leave a comment below.
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